Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 1: Half a Sandwich

Everyone has a friend who is helplessly awkward. You know the one. Stands in the corner during parties and pets the cat, makes grunting noises while eating pizza, or tries to become the center of attention by hurling themselves into bookcases. If you can't identify this person in your friend circle, it's probably you.

But never fear.

There is someone out there who is more awkward than you are.

During my first adventure to Awkwardland, my guide was a young woman named Aimee. Aimee had a friend who we will call... "Half a Sandwich."

As the story goes, Half a Sandwich is extremely socially awkward. She has a history of creeping people out before even meeting them. Since even awkward people need to learn social skills, Half a Sandwich's roommate suggested she join a Chess Club that meets once a week on Saturday mornings. Half a Sandwich agreed, and even met a cute guy! After a few weeks of driving her home, this cute guy starts dropping hints that he'd like to see Half a Sandwich outside of Chess Club, but she's too shy to pick up on them. She explains the situation to Aimee who offers advice. Maybe try asking if he wants to stop for a cup of coffee, maybe lunch, grab a bite to eat, etc. Half a sandwich seems a little more confident about how to talk to the boy, and when Saturday rolls around, she puts on her best skirt and brushes her hair for the first time that week. Three hours later, she walks back into the house looking puzzled. Apparently on the way home the guy started hinting he was feeling hungry. Our awkward heroine replied: "Well... I have half a sandwich back at my place if you want it." *silence*

[For anyone who doesn't understand why cute boy was so creeped out by this, traditionally asking someone up to your apartment for "coffee" means "lets have sex." So for Half a Sandwich to say "come up to my apartment for half a sandwich," who knows what would have gone down.]

Cute boy predictably yet politely refused Half a Sandwich's half a sandwich. He still drove her home from Chess Club every Saturday, but he no longer dropped hints about hanging out.

About six weeks later, Half a Sandwich's roommate was walking down the street when Cute boy dropped Half a Sandwich off at their apartment. She watched his car drive to the end of the block, pull a U-turn, and park in front of a house four or five rows down. Half a Sandwich had no idea that Cute boy lived so close, and it was evident that he had no intention of letting her in on his secret.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I entreat you to learn from Half a Sandwich. Curb your awkwardness. Never invite a stranger into your house to share leftovers on the first date.