Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 4: Mandy's Monday Commute

Considering something awkward—and often, awesomely, incredibly, painfully awkward—happens to "Mandy" on a near-daily basis, it would be unfair not to share some of these moments with you. If nothing else, it will leave you with the relief and satisfaction that you are not as clumsy, nerdy, and as all-around socially awkward as she is.

Now that Mandy is using public transportation on a daily basis to commute to her internship, it has inevitably opened up new windows of awkwardness. Until this fateful day, nothing too exciting or painful had happened, with one exception: On her first day of interning, Mandy got on the train and made the rookie mistake of making direct eye contact with the bum screaming to the invisible person on the seat next to him. So of course, he decided to look right at Mandy while screaming repeatedly, “THE MOTHER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKERS! THE MOTHER FUCKERS TOOK IT! YOU SAW THEM!” The older lady next to her then looked at Mandy as if she was the one screaming nonsensical profanities in her ear, so Mandy shrank lower and lower in her seat and pretended to be invisible.

After Mandy made my switch from the Blue to the Green line, she was still a little shook up from that encounter, so she sat down next to a harmless looking young woman who was sitting with her kid on her lap. She took a deep breath, smiled at the person sitting across the aisle from me—another Hoosier faux-pas, apparently, as he responded by grimacing and averting eye contact—and opened up her bottle of “sparkling water beverage.” It exploded. Mandy quickly apologized and asked the woman next to her if she got any of it on her: “Not yet,” she responded, in a tone that suggested if and when it does, Mandy might die. Her cute little girl pointed and laughed at Mandy as the water continued to spill out of the bottle, and all over her pants.

Five minutes later, Miss Mandy enters her new office looking as though she might have peed her pants.

Yet, somehow, that incident was nothing compared to this particular morning’s commute. As Mandy was transferring from the blue to green line, she was riding up the escalator in the usual Monday morning daze, listening to her iPod, fairly oblivious to her surroundings. Right before she reached the top of the escalator, she noticed the enormous man ahead of her on the escalator balancing a trolley loaded with boxes. Just as Mandy started thinking that a trolley on an escalator looks a little dangerous, the enormous man with said trolley gets stuck at the top. Before she could react, Mandy slammed into him and was suddenly trapped on a moving escalator, tangled between a giant, the trolley wheel, and the side of the escalator. The guy behind her somehow jumps over the side of the escalator but doesn’t bother to try to help either of them. Meanwhile, all of the people on the train platform ahead are now staring at the trolly and the giant as Mandy yelped, her headphones fell out of my ears, and he attempted to lift Mandy over the trolley and off the escalator. In this process, her ribcage slams against the trolley, the giant and Mandy accidentally go to second base, and Mandy fell to her knees but finally escaped.

Once the giant trolley man got off the escalator—somehow, without mangling anyone else—he started to stroll past her as Mandy limped to the side, clutching her ribcage. “Oh, are you okay?” he asked casually, as though nothing dramatic and possibly life-threatening had just happened.

Her thoughts: "AM I OKAY?!?! It’s 9 AM, I almost met my death on an escalator, and you just touched my boob. NO, I'M NOT OKAY!"

Her response: "Yeah, sure, whatever, I'm fine."

It’s the kind of situation that makes a person want to start screaming, “THE MOTHER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKERS! YOU SAW THEM!”

In Defense of All the Geeks

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they're well-meaning. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I've never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They're useful. In this tech-savvy world, it's great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They're more romantic than they're given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such... but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like 'em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like 'em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They've got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it'll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they're more attentive than guys who "have more options." Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they'll likely have mental lists of all the things they'd love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra... all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

8.) They're relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, chocolate chip cookies, and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you're not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won't have to worry much about your geek guy getting his "groove" on with club hotties because, frankly, he'll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won't have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he'll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics or game store. I've seen this happen.
Me: "Ahhhgh. Victoria Secret Models... They're so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!"
Geek Guy: "ooooooo..."
Me: "Hey!" *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: "What?"
Me: "Never mind..."

10.) Compromises work better than anything. Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you'll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he'll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn't want to go someplace with you, you won't have to worry much about what he's up to. You'll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It's ok. He's used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

11.) His friends aren't jerks. I can't stress this enough. You'll more likely get "Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!" than "Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on..." They're awkward geeks too and will treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code... a geek can dream).

12.) They're rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won't care. He does too! They won't get pissy if you don't wear make-up or don't want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won't try their best to make you feel like crap. You picked him, he's going to respect you for that.

13.) They're usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won't have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he'll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce...

14.) You'll almost never have to hear "Yaw dawg whazzap!!" plop out of their mouths. Unless it's in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get wasted, so you won't have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles and weed. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps...

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that's a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than "DAMN baby you got a fine ass!!!" Believe me.

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 3: Meeting the Mother

A year and a half ago, I met one of the coolest mothers around. I was dating her 20 year old son at the time and she seemed to approve of me. However, meeting the parents is always the most awkward experience for me when starting a new relationship. This was no exception.

I was 20 years old and had met "Mark" at a party. Having just gotten out of an extremely abusive relationship, I didn't want anything too serious, but I was flattered that he was so interested in talking to me. Nerves got the best of me and I got completely wasted. My friend offered him a ride home, dropping me off on the way. I carry three things with me at all times: my phone, my chapstick, and my keys. Whenever I'm drunk, I tend to lose these things one at a time, even though they're usually in my hands. So the entire car ride home, I'm in tears because I can't find my phone in my left hand, my keys in my right hand, and my chapstick in my pocket. The entire journey was 15 minutes, but it felt like forever. Eventually I just started apologizing to Mark for being so drunk, since I apologize for everything even when it's not my fault, and drunk me didn't think he knew I was sorry enough. Anyway, he seemed to think this was cute and we exchanged numbers (I think... somehow it ended up in my phone, gets a little fuzzy) and went on a few dates.

Mark lived out on Pittsburgh, a 4 hour drive from my little college town. He was home for a month between semesters, living with his mom and his brother. After staying over at my place one weekend, he invites me to spend the night at his place after another party, and again, I'm too drunk to really protest that it would be shocking for his mother. Or I just didn't think about it. I'm not sure.

Anyway, we go back to his mom's house, and I sleep the night off in his basement room. The next morning, we go upstairs to watch TV, but someone was already watching. It was his mom. I had hoped to sneak out while she was at work, but no, she doesn't work on Saturdays. My mistake. We introduce ourselves, explain that Mark and I have been dating for the past few weeks, and she offers me a cup of coffee. And some cinnamon rolls. Apparently she'd been waiting for us to wake up for a few hours.

Things got really awkward when I explained my job at the bookstore. We started chatting about books, music, TV, and things we enjoy. She tells me about her failed relationship with Mark's father, with her drug-addicted ex, and so on. Then she offers to lend me a book her girlfriends had bought her for her birthday. "It's about not giving up the cookies too early in a relationship, but I think it's already a too late for you."

Gee, thanks "Mom."

This woman didn't mind that I slept over at her house whenever Mark was in town. She even said to me once "At least someone got laid." She didn't even mind when I came to visit her between long-distance booty calls or interviewed her on what it was like to be widowed at such a young age. What she found awkward was planning what to make for breakfast each time.

Priorities, eh?

Turns out, awkwardness is all in the interpretation of the situation.

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 2: Trudy and the Strap On

"Trudy" is the most awkward person I know. She is a full-time lesbian, a part-time entertainer, and a freelance assclown. I could probably dedicate an entire blog to her stories, but instead, I'll write a few of her escapades and hope she never Googles herself.

A very good friend of mine (who's name will be changed to "Claudia") is currently dating Trudy. This is how our frightfully awkward friend wormed her way into my life.

During the early stages of their relationship, Trudy was just meeting some of Claudia's friends. One, in particular, was named Lauren. Lauren has a bad habit of dating trashy women. After going through a few detailed examples and pictures of her past flames, everyone agreed that Lauren did, in fact, make poor life choices.
Trudy kicked the awkward level up a notch.
"So, Claudia, why aren't you dating Lauren?"
-silence-
By impling that Claudia was a trashy woman in front of her friends, Trudy earned a night in the doghouse. But it gets worse.

I threw a socially awkward party at my apartment after Thanksgiving. Claudia and Trudy stopped by, each adopting a new habit to make them socially awkward. Claudia's was to slowly pet the hair of the person she was talking to. Trudy's was to rub her nipples and hump everyone in the room. "Socially Awkward" became "Awkward Rape." Even after we dropped the party theme and just dedicated ourselves to four loko and beer, Trudy shoved her hands down 3 peoples' pants and gave two surprised strangers aggressive lap dances.

Tonight's final story of Trudy is a shocker. Readers under 17, close your eyes. Parents, lock your children away.

Claudia invited her friend Angie over for an evening of movies and popcorn. Trudy was, of course, invited as well, and the three of them expected to have a relaxing evening. Wait for it, this gets good.

Trudy and Claudia had ordered a strap on from the local Den and were instructed to pick it up that evening. Since Angie was visiting, they invited her along. Angie didn't want to sit alone in Claudia's apartment while the others had a road trip, so of course she accompanied them. It was only a 15 minute journey, and the three of them had an easy time popping in and out of the store. Trudy couldn't wait to get home and try the new strap-on on. She disappeared for a few seconds in the back room and re-emerged wearing it under her jeans. The entire schlong was sticking straight out between the zipper of her jeans. Claudia's dying of laughter, Angie's shocked, and Trudy is getting even more excited. Since Angie's the least impressed, Trudy decides to make the awkwardness even worse.
She humps her.
With a strap on.

After this escapade, Trudy earned herself a platinum medal in the Awkwardland hall of fame. I challenge you to share a story that even comes close to this level of awkward entertainment.

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 1: Half a Sandwich

Everyone has a friend who is helplessly awkward. You know the one. Stands in the corner during parties and pets the cat, makes grunting noises while eating pizza, or tries to become the center of attention by hurling themselves into bookcases. If you can't identify this person in your friend circle, it's probably you.

But never fear.

There is someone out there who is more awkward than you are.

During my first adventure to Awkwardland, my guide was a young woman named Aimee. Aimee had a friend who we will call... "Half a Sandwich."

As the story goes, Half a Sandwich is extremely socially awkward. She has a history of creeping people out before even meeting them. Since even awkward people need to learn social skills, Half a Sandwich's roommate suggested she join a Chess Club that meets once a week on Saturday mornings. Half a Sandwich agreed, and even met a cute guy! After a few weeks of driving her home, this cute guy starts dropping hints that he'd like to see Half a Sandwich outside of Chess Club, but she's too shy to pick up on them. She explains the situation to Aimee who offers advice. Maybe try asking if he wants to stop for a cup of coffee, maybe lunch, grab a bite to eat, etc. Half a sandwich seems a little more confident about how to talk to the boy, and when Saturday rolls around, she puts on her best skirt and brushes her hair for the first time that week. Three hours later, she walks back into the house looking puzzled. Apparently on the way home the guy started hinting he was feeling hungry. Our awkward heroine replied: "Well... I have half a sandwich back at my place if you want it." *silence*

[For anyone who doesn't understand why cute boy was so creeped out by this, traditionally asking someone up to your apartment for "coffee" means "lets have sex." So for Half a Sandwich to say "come up to my apartment for half a sandwich," who knows what would have gone down.]

Cute boy predictably yet politely refused Half a Sandwich's half a sandwich. He still drove her home from Chess Club every Saturday, but he no longer dropped hints about hanging out.

About six weeks later, Half a Sandwich's roommate was walking down the street when Cute boy dropped Half a Sandwich off at their apartment. She watched his car drive to the end of the block, pull a U-turn, and park in front of a house four or five rows down. Half a Sandwich had no idea that Cute boy lived so close, and it was evident that he had no intention of letting her in on his secret.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I entreat you to learn from Half a Sandwich. Curb your awkwardness. Never invite a stranger into your house to share leftovers on the first date.

TRON and TRON: Legacy-- Reflections

When I watched Steven Lisberger's sci-fi adventure recently in preparation for the release of its belated sequel, it appeared incredibly dated, with the visual effects now looking very creaky, and the lack of a strong storyline or characters making for a dull viewing experience. However, the film still possesses one memorable sequence, the light-cycle race, and at the very least, its then-groundbreaking attempt to engage with the newfangled world of computers has the feel of filmmakers trying to give their audience something new. Plot sequences and characters were briefly introduced and promptly forgotten, a theme that continued to the sequel (i.e. Bit, gladiator games, and the only woman in the film kissed two men within 5 minutes). TRON is not a good film, but it was a bold one with fresh ideas and a unique style, and that alone is enough to set the bar at a level that TRON: Legacy doesn't come close to reaching.

Almost everything that exists in TRON: Legacy has been lifted from another film, and the filmmakers appear to be gambling everything on their shiny presentation being enough to paper over the cracks. It isn't enough to make the film stand out, however director Joseph Kosinski does have one fairly brilliant idea up his sleeve, with the opening "real world" sequences of TRON: Legacy being shot in 2D before 3D is introduced as we move into the computer world. I guess this is the 21st century update on the way color was used in films like The Wizard of Oz.

I went to this film with my best friend Addam, one of few diehard TRON supporters. I think he knew the movie would be made before the writers did. We even had matching light disks to clash horribly with our 3D glasses. As such, our excitement levels were at peak capacity when we walked into the shadiest theater this side of Reading with about 20 other viewers. Apparently no one told this town it was opening night. Throughout the film, we found enough amusement in our side conversations to cover for whatever was lacking in plot or dialogue. It was, in essence, our own personalized Mystery Science Theater 3000 viewing party. If the movie was bad, we were having too much fun to notice. In fact my largest complaint was that there was still no sign of the orange that was sent to the grid during the opening sequences of the original. And I still want a light-cycle.

But how could a movie even come close to "bad" when Daft Punk composed the soundtrack? I'm convinced they even made an appearance in the movie, though this is up for debate. It was certainly an upgrade from the digitalized soundtrack of the original. In my opinion, can't go wrong with digitechno.

When making the decision to see TRON: Legacy... don't listen to me. Decide for yourselves, but take someone with a sense of humor. And for god's sake, pay the extra three bucks to see the fucking thing in 3D!

Do not stand at the graves and weep.

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

Source of the Poem: derived from a sermon written by Henry Scott Holland and delivered in St. Paul's (London) on 15 May 1910, at which time the body of King Edward VII was lying in state at Westminster. Although not originally derived from Irish writings, versions of this sermon have been used at many Irish and Catholic funerals over the years.

Source of the Picture: Founded in the fifth century by St Buite, the monastery at Monasterboice (Irish: Mainistir Bhuithe) is more famous for its tall crosses than the round tower, which stands at about 28 metres tall and dates to the tenth century.]