Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 7: John Broke the Bro Code

I'm sure John can be a great guy, but this week he broke the Bro code. And for that, I get to tell an incredibly embarrassing story and not change his first name. If you're reading this, John, you know what (or who) you did. Let this be a warning to you.

Now, John is a fairly attractive guy. Tall, brown hair, scruffy face. Good conversationalist. His greatest flaw is his pride, believing that he can get any woman just by asking her out. His confidence was his downfall when he met: The pretty blonde from Department C.

John had been talking to Claudia about this pretty little blonde girl for quite some time. He was working up the courage to ask her out, but always chickened out at the last second. While chatting with her in the breakroom before their shift started, the girl mentioned how awful the day would be since she had been running late and had not gotten her caffeine fix from McDonald's before coming in to work. What luck! John had some coupons, a buy one get one free deal, on coffee from Micky D's! Finally, after a quick pep talk from Claudia, he went for it, and the dialogue goes as follows:

John: Hey, do you want to go to McDonald's with me later? See I have these coupons for a buy one get one latte...
Blonde: Aw I can't after work, I'm sorry.
John: Why not?
Blonde: I don't want to be late.
John: Late for what?
Blonde: I'm doing laundry.
John: Ahhh.... *walks off*

Claudia couldn't stop laughing when she heard the news. John was pretty shocked that a woman would decline an invitation for free coffee, but when he's only paying for one, who can blame her? Don't pinch pennies when asking someone on a date. Pay full price or risk never having a second date.

This brush off is almost as epic as one my college roommate once used: "I can't go out with you tonight, I'm washing my hair."

After all... who's honestly worried about being late to do laundry? You, sir, have been rejected.

*Double Feature this week!! Don't miss another Trudy moment below!!*

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 6: The Return of Trudy

Claudia requested I tell this story since it is the most embarrassing thing Trudy has ever done to her (so far).

It's no secret that Claudia has a huge crush on me. In her defense, Claudia has the best taste in ladies: pretty redheads with witty humors. The "Ginny Weasley" types. She's my best friend, a gorgeous and smart woman, but the catch is that I am not interested in women. Since I've known Claudia longer than Trudy has, most of our mutual friends are in on the secret as well. It didn't take long for Trudy to realize Claudia had this crush, but it took a few weeks before she came up with a solution.

Unfortunately, she broadcast this solution to a room full of (mostly oblivious and drunk but present nonetheless) people. Including myself.

"Hey Claudia, since you like Sam so much, what if I wore a mask of her face during sex? You could call me her name too. Then it'd be just like having sex with Sam."

[Insert blushing here]

Claudia was absolutely mortified. I thought it was hot damn hilarious.
We will never let them live this down.

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 5: Taco Tuesday

This is a true story. I was reminded of it last night when visiting with the two roommates mentioned by (fake) name. It happened in late August, right as my last semester of college began.

There were six of us living in an apartment together. Five girls and one guy. The guy was illegally living in our apartment with his super jealous girlfriend. Of course this is a recipe for disaster. Two of the girls were new, they had just moved in over the summer and would begin living with us full-time when the semester started. The four of us who had lived there previously did not know them very well, so we decided to have some group activities to get to know one another better. We had meeting on Sunday night before school started to go over the ground rules. One of the girls, we'll call her Lindsay, was running late and entered the meeting halfway through. We were just chatting about chores, locking the door, having friends over, etc, however two of the original girls seemed particularly angry with Lindsay for leaving the door unlocked the previous night. Turns out it was unlocked when she left in the morning, but that's not particularly important. What is important, however, is that we were already being divided.

In the spirit of new roommate acceptance, we decided to have a family dinner. Unfortunately, Lindsay had a class the day and time chosen, and the other new girl Alice was just getting off work. Why we couldn't reschedule, I have no idea, but the other residents outnumbered us. Tuesday at 6 p.m. we would make tacos.

Monday came and went and before we knew it, it was Tuesday night. The girls and boy browned and seasoned the beef, toasted the shells, and gathered supplies, I shredded lettuce and cheese. Around 6:10, we were ready to sit down for dinner.

And right as we're about to dig in, the two unnamed girls began to take stabs at Lindsay, who wasn't even present. They would not stop complaining about how she refused to take part in our meal (she was at class) or flirted with the one's boyfriend (completely untrue). In a few minutes they had blown Lindsay's minor mistakes completely out of proportion to the point where one was in tears screaming at her boyfriend, the other is fuming and holding a fork like a spear, and the boyfriend is tired of arguing and storms out.

This left Alice and I staring at one another across the table wondering whether or not we should eat or wait. My stomach growled pretty loudly, I was absolutely starving. But it seemed rude to eat when the others were not present. The crying girl came back to the table and told us to start eating, but who can really eat when there's a domestic dispute going on? We sat there for twenty minutes before she finally called her boyfriend to apologize. Did she mean it? No. But it didn't matter. He came back and we ate our dinner. There was no conversation besides "could you please pass the cheese?"

I'm pretty sure one of us sent a text to Lindsay to warn her about the nuclear holocaust that occurred in the kitchen that night, she started to only come back to the apartment after the others had fallen asleep. I very rarely saw her during the day despite sharing the eastern half of the apartment and a bathroom with her.

The moral of this story: Taco nights are sacred around this area. Whether you go to the Pickle Bar for happy hour and 75 cent tacos or if you make your own, it's a great bonding experience. Words cannot describe the pain this event caused in our memories. What did Alice and I do to deserve being treated this way in our own home on such a cherished night? Taco Tuesday —the one evening we gather as a family, turn off the television, and enjoy beef tacos, together. But they brought shame on this house. Great shame. Instead of having a nice, pleasant evening, we had to spend hours comforting our roommates. Where the hell did they get off?

Taco Tuesday isn't an anything-goes–type atmosphere. Save that for Frisbee Friday.

Point of View

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought he was acting weird. We’d made plans to meet at a bar and have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, and I thought he was upset at the fact that I was running a bit late, but he made no comment.
Our conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he remained quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing was wrong. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. It only made me worry more. I apologized, but didn't know why.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too.” I stressed about it for the rest of the drive. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep—I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 4: Mandy's Monday Commute

Considering something awkward—and often, awesomely, incredibly, painfully awkward—happens to "Mandy" on a near-daily basis, it would be unfair not to share some of these moments with you. If nothing else, it will leave you with the relief and satisfaction that you are not as clumsy, nerdy, and as all-around socially awkward as she is.

Now that Mandy is using public transportation on a daily basis to commute to her internship, it has inevitably opened up new windows of awkwardness. Until this fateful day, nothing too exciting or painful had happened, with one exception: On her first day of interning, Mandy got on the train and made the rookie mistake of making direct eye contact with the bum screaming to the invisible person on the seat next to him. So of course, he decided to look right at Mandy while screaming repeatedly, “THE MOTHER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKERS! THE MOTHER FUCKERS TOOK IT! YOU SAW THEM!” The older lady next to her then looked at Mandy as if she was the one screaming nonsensical profanities in her ear, so Mandy shrank lower and lower in her seat and pretended to be invisible.

After Mandy made my switch from the Blue to the Green line, she was still a little shook up from that encounter, so she sat down next to a harmless looking young woman who was sitting with her kid on her lap. She took a deep breath, smiled at the person sitting across the aisle from me—another Hoosier faux-pas, apparently, as he responded by grimacing and averting eye contact—and opened up her bottle of “sparkling water beverage.” It exploded. Mandy quickly apologized and asked the woman next to her if she got any of it on her: “Not yet,” she responded, in a tone that suggested if and when it does, Mandy might die. Her cute little girl pointed and laughed at Mandy as the water continued to spill out of the bottle, and all over her pants.

Five minutes later, Miss Mandy enters her new office looking as though she might have peed her pants.

Yet, somehow, that incident was nothing compared to this particular morning’s commute. As Mandy was transferring from the blue to green line, she was riding up the escalator in the usual Monday morning daze, listening to her iPod, fairly oblivious to her surroundings. Right before she reached the top of the escalator, she noticed the enormous man ahead of her on the escalator balancing a trolley loaded with boxes. Just as Mandy started thinking that a trolley on an escalator looks a little dangerous, the enormous man with said trolley gets stuck at the top. Before she could react, Mandy slammed into him and was suddenly trapped on a moving escalator, tangled between a giant, the trolley wheel, and the side of the escalator. The guy behind her somehow jumps over the side of the escalator but doesn’t bother to try to help either of them. Meanwhile, all of the people on the train platform ahead are now staring at the trolly and the giant as Mandy yelped, her headphones fell out of my ears, and he attempted to lift Mandy over the trolley and off the escalator. In this process, her ribcage slams against the trolley, the giant and Mandy accidentally go to second base, and Mandy fell to her knees but finally escaped.

Once the giant trolley man got off the escalator—somehow, without mangling anyone else—he started to stroll past her as Mandy limped to the side, clutching her ribcage. “Oh, are you okay?” he asked casually, as though nothing dramatic and possibly life-threatening had just happened.

Her thoughts: "AM I OKAY?!?! It’s 9 AM, I almost met my death on an escalator, and you just touched my boob. NO, I'M NOT OKAY!"

Her response: "Yeah, sure, whatever, I'm fine."

It’s the kind of situation that makes a person want to start screaming, “THE MOTHER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKERS! YOU SAW THEM!”

In Defense of All the Geeks

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they're well-meaning. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I've never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They're useful. In this tech-savvy world, it's great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They're more romantic than they're given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such... but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like 'em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like 'em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They've got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it'll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they're more attentive than guys who "have more options." Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they'll likely have mental lists of all the things they'd love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra... all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

8.) They're relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, chocolate chip cookies, and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you're not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won't have to worry much about your geek guy getting his "groove" on with club hotties because, frankly, he'll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won't have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he'll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics or game store. I've seen this happen.
Me: "Ahhhgh. Victoria Secret Models... They're so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!"
Geek Guy: "ooooooo..."
Me: "Hey!" *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: "What?"
Me: "Never mind..."

10.) Compromises work better than anything. Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you'll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he'll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn't want to go someplace with you, you won't have to worry much about what he's up to. You'll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It's ok. He's used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

11.) His friends aren't jerks. I can't stress this enough. You'll more likely get "Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!" than "Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on..." They're awkward geeks too and will treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code... a geek can dream).

12.) They're rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won't care. He does too! They won't get pissy if you don't wear make-up or don't want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won't try their best to make you feel like crap. You picked him, he's going to respect you for that.

13.) They're usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won't have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he'll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce...

14.) You'll almost never have to hear "Yaw dawg whazzap!!" plop out of their mouths. Unless it's in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get wasted, so you won't have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles and weed. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps...

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that's a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than "DAMN baby you got a fine ass!!!" Believe me.