Nothing says "BFF" like blood and band-aids

I used to think it was outrageous that two people saying something simultaneously should be grounds for a jinx. Whenever somebody jinxed me, I would be all, “What the hell, man? We said the same thing because we’re on the same page here. Why am I being punished with a fucking curse?”

I now realize that jinxing was invented because we need a game to break the tension inherent in this situation. Imagine saying “I’m thirsty!” in unison with your friend, except neither of you has the power to jinx. You would both just kind of stand there and awkwardly laugh due to how stupid your lives have suddenly become. There’s actually no graceful way out of this situation. Jinxing may sound childish, but it’s a choice between that or the two of you spontaneously making out.

Where I draw the line is the idea that now I somehow owe my friend a Coke, because I don’t. It’s like, “You’ve just pinched me and poked me—I’ve been publicly humiliated for absolutely no reason. Under no circumstances am I going to take you out for Cokes.” It’s such an insane ritual, too, because nobody in the history of jinxes has actually collected on their Coke. I probably owe about $3,000 worth of Cokes right now, and there’s no need for it. How in the hell did Coke even become involved with this bullshit?

Researching frivolous subjects on Wikipedia is a hobby of mine, so I consulted their (largely retarded) jinxing article. I didn’t find anything close to resembling an answer, but I did come across the following intriguing excerpt:

A variation experienced in Southern Massachusetts in the 1960s may not be strictly considered a “jinx,” but when two people say the same thing in unison (unplanned!), they must hook little fingers and say the following dialog: “What goes up the chimney?” “Smoke.” “May your wish and my wish never be broke!”

That’s probably the cutest thing I’ve ever read. I imagine two grown men hooking their pinkies together and excitedly breaking into this little exchange. To me this is way more positive than demanding a Coke from your friend and beating the shit out of him. It’s a chance to share a wish! The next time an acquaintance and I speak in unison, I’m going to begin reciting this routine, because it’s the perfect way to avoid any lingering awkwardness. Hopefully all my acquaintances are familiar with proper jinxing protocol from 1960s Southern Massachusetts, or else I’m going to look like a real asshole.

When it comes to a proper pinch and punch, my friends and I have begun a war of the months. On the first day of the month, all hell breaks loose. "Pinch, punch, first of the month, no backs," a couple of fresh bruises later and we're magically still best friends forever. The losing party, which usually consists of me, can retaliate with "a kick and a flick for being so quick." This is the greatest excuse you could ever have to beat the living shit out of that one friend who talks just a little too much or is just a little too happy on Monday morning.

Hypothetical situation: You both shout "Pinch punch, first of the month, no backs! Jinx!" Now what? Do you both pinch and punch and poke one another followed by a mutual Coke binge nursing your matching black eyes? When does the cycle end?

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 18: Start 'em Young

It's been a hard week for my family. My dad's brother recently passed away after an unfortunate accident. My Uncle Jim lived in Indiana, far enough from Lancaster or Erie that we only saw him on very special occasions, the usual weddings and funerals. He was a quiet spoken man, and I always had the impression he was shy. Our huge family is definitely intimidating and I was the same way.

My earliest memory of Uncle Jim is terrifying to me and definitely fits as my youngest Awkwardland story to date.

I was probably about three or four years old and we were visiting my Grandfather in Erie, but I think someone was getting married since absolutely everyone had showed up. All seven of my aunts and uncles, a plethora of cousins, and an even bigger gaggle of second cousins for me to run around with. Eventually, as usually happened when I was little, I got tired of messing around with toys and probably wanted a cookie or whatever children ate back in those days. I ran over to my dad and hugged his leg, trying to get some attention.

When he picked me up, I started to scream, flying into full fledged panic mode. This wasn't my dad at all, but some stranger impersonating him!!

From afar, my dad and Uncle Jim look remarkably similar, they could be twins. Not the best first impression I would want my relatives to remember, but definitely bittersweet.

Title Unrelated

I think every movie should be like The Princess Bride in that they should all be interrupted every fifteen minutes by Fred Savage telling his grandfather what he thinks of the story. Imagine how much greater Jurassic Park 3 would have been if, right when a dinosaur was about to eat somebody, the scene suddenly switched to Fred Savage sitting on his bed and saying, “But the dinosaur won’t eat them, grandpa, I just know it!” Then his grandfather would say, “Do you want me to continue telling the story or not? Now, as I was saying, the tyrannosaurus was chasing after them, when all of a sudden …” And then it would switch back to the action. This would make any movie way more interesting—in fact, I now find it difficult to watch a movie that isn’t being told to Fred Savage by an old man. And that’s a hell of a lot of movies.

Growing Pains - The Maturity of Heloise and Abelard

[This entry was based off a series of medieval literature texts which can be found at this website: http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/aah/index.htm]

Growing up in a small town like Millersville, there were few people to meet, fewer friends to play with, and no way to burn off excess childhood energy. I learned to read at a young age to fight boredom, and thanks to the local library I spent my evenings fighting pirates with Peter Pan or solving mysteries with Nancy Drew. The written word is a powerful addiction, and as I grew older I found that letters, texts, or emails from a handsome young man who shares your interests and has a sense of humor to match can be equally attractive. As we grow wiser in the ways of the world, we replace our fictional ideologies with those we find in reality, putting our childhood behind us but never forgetting what they inspired us to accomplish.

The letters between Abelard and Heloise depict a story of forbidden love, obsession, and knowledge. Just as Eve represents the temptation of knowledge, Heloise represents the temptation of a bright, beautiful, “modern” woman for her time. Abelard falls for her, as any self-respecting scholar might, since their wit and intellects are a perfect match. Ultimately, it is vanity and pride that bring the lovers to misery. It is apparent through their letters which express the strong feelings these two felt for one another that even though they were forcibly separated by a vengeful uncle and by vows to holy orders, Heloise and Abelard would remain connected through their memories of love.

It was not until recently, in 1998, that the University of Massachusetts moved to ban romantic relationships between students and teachers, which had become morally reprehensible and seen as a lecherous professor taking advantage of a less powerful female undergraduate student (Dank). As Abelard states in Historia Calamitatum, “I should not have been more smitten with wonder if he had entrusted a tender lamb to the care of a ravenous wolf […].” I find it ironic that Heloise’s uncle was paying him to seduce his niece.

The letters between Heloise and Abelard are heavy with philosophy, spirituality, and infatuation. They also show the growth of both literary figures. Abelard wished to marry Heloise in secret to protect his honor and reputation, and she would rather have been his mistress than his wife. To tie him down in marriage would be to hold him back, to prevent him from taking the opportunities that would present themselves to him in the future. It takes a mature, selfless woman to tell the man she is in love with “no, I will not marry you and keep you from doing what you love.” When Fulbert discovered that Abelard had convinced Heloise to intern herself in a convent, he assumed that Abelard was ridding himself of Heloise and his responsibilities to her. Fulbert’s punishment for Abelard was a ruthless mutilation and castration, an action that most overprotective father figures would admire. Unfortunately, after all the care both Heloise and Abelard took to protect their dignity, Abelard would never be able to walk confidently among his equals again. After becoming the abbess of a convent, Heloise no longer thought only of protecting Abelard, but of providing for the women in her care. Abelard states in his Apologia exactly how their relationship has grown: “Heloise, my sister, once so dear to me in the world, today even dearer to me in Jesus Christ […].” Once both were installed in their respective religious orders, each recognized the futility of their marriage, though they remained in love with one another, it was a new love sanctified by their love of God. The letters between Heloise and Abelard were never meant to published, they were intimate glimpses into the affair.

Never underestimate the power of a fictional character to encourage even the most depressed teenager to wake up every day, just as an attractive professor may find his 8 AM class filled each morning (Dr. Indiana Jones comes readily to mind). The pain of lost love stings deep and we never forget the feeling of caring more for one man than we cared for ourselves. Heloise and Abelard wrote from their hearts, and their eloquence reveals a common sadness of love gained and lost. It is the journey each young woman must make to bridge that gap between childhood and adulthood.

Bibliography

Dank, Barry M., and Klaus de Albuquerque. "Banning Sexual Asymmetry on Campus." Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality 1 (1998): n. pag. Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality. Web. 19 Feb. 2010.

"The Love Letters of Abelard and Heloise Index." Internet Sacred Text Archive Home. N.p., n.d. Web. 20 Feb. 2010. .