Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 18: Start 'em Young

It's been a hard week for my family. My dad's brother recently passed away after an unfortunate accident. My Uncle Jim lived in Indiana, far enough from Lancaster or Erie that we only saw him on very special occasions, the usual weddings and funerals. He was a quiet spoken man, and I always had the impression he was shy. Our huge family is definitely intimidating and I was the same way.

My earliest memory of Uncle Jim is terrifying to me and definitely fits as my youngest Awkwardland story to date.

I was probably about three or four years old and we were visiting my Grandfather in Erie, but I think someone was getting married since absolutely everyone had showed up. All seven of my aunts and uncles, a plethora of cousins, and an even bigger gaggle of second cousins for me to run around with. Eventually, as usually happened when I was little, I got tired of messing around with toys and probably wanted a cookie or whatever children ate back in those days. I ran over to my dad and hugged his leg, trying to get some attention.

When he picked me up, I started to scream, flying into full fledged panic mode. This wasn't my dad at all, but some stranger impersonating him!!

From afar, my dad and Uncle Jim look remarkably similar, they could be twins. Not the best first impression I would want my relatives to remember, but definitely bittersweet.

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 17: Got a big job in the city.

I started my new job this past Tuesday. Growing up, working in the city, local government stuff. I didn't know what I was getting into when I accepted the position, but I've been having a pretty good time so far. The people I work with are quite nice even though I'm just temporarily filling in. But anyway, I see a lot of very odd things during the day. We're connected to the police department, so people come to pay their parking tickets, water bills, certain taxes, etc. with us. I never realized Lancaster was so... ... ... diverse?

Within the first hour and a half I met a 60 year old lesbian prostitute. That's right. I'm talking hotdogs and hallways, shriveled leather prostitute, but she actually turned down a solicitation offer from an equally work down looking man in our lobby.

Yesterday, I saw an asian with a blonde mullet. I'm talking full on anime hairstyles here, not just the typical early 90's redneck stuff. I think he was going for the Snake look, but if his hairdresser would just add some blue and he could have been Captain Planet.

Today was the weirdest. I wasn't in on the conversation until halfway through, but this guy was trying to get a parking permit for the car he drives. The car is in his mother's name, an automatic red flag when you're trying to get a parking permit, and he needed to show his license to prove he could even drive the car, and he'd like to pay by a check he wrote before he came in. So he goes into this long winded tirade about how he worked for the government on some top secret service missions studying the radioactivity of rocks during the early 90's and how his research was going to be published by National Geographic and what he found made a lot of top governmental people angry so they conspired to make him cause a car accident which resulted in his license being suspended for the past couple months and that's why he tried to pay a check dated June 2008. It's all George Bush's fault. Which one? Both. And how did they cause his traffic accident? Must have been the aliens.

Maybe next time he'll tell us he's a time traveler. I'd believe it easier.

The most awkward event is having men call me "honey" or "baby girl." I'm not used to it, and generally anyone I meet at my job is in trouble with their credit or bills. So when a motorcycle-riding viking with $200 in parking tickets and his water bill shut off asks for my number, I DO have standards and I know immediately to say "no thank you."

If you've started a new job as well, feel like sharing your awkward first day at work story, or have any awkward adventures to share, send them to: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 16: ID Card Got Your Tongue?

I heard this story while hanging out with a new group of friends, I don't know them very well but I intend to share this story anyway. I very nearly snorted Sam Adams out my nose, therefore, this tale deserves to be told.

Josh works at a local hospital here in town, I'm honestly not sure if he's a technician or a student. Not really important, he was in charge of taking a patient's IV statistics that night. The woman was on loan from the psych ward, she has bipolar disorder and one or two other mental illnesses which leave her uncensored and able to speak her mind. However she was also having heart troubles, and therefore needed to be in a special care unit for the night. As Josh was going over her charts, the woman began to flirt with him. She's about 60 years old, married (so she says), and veeerrry adventurous. Josh does his best to laugh off her advances, he's a good looking guy and used to joking with his patients.

Now, Josh needed to insert the IV in this woman's arm, and leaned close to her bed. While he's busy working on her arm, she grabs the ID card attached by a string to his pocket and shoves it in her mouth. The whole card. I imagine she looks like a cat caught swallowing a mouse. Since Josh is still working in the IV drip, there's not much he can do about the card. The other technicians in the room start to giggle and Josh tries his best not to lose it in front of the woman. When he's finished, he grabs the string in front of the lady's mouth and pulls his ID card. You better bet he sterilized the living crap out of that thing before reattaching it to his shirt.

The worst part? Not only does the entire hospital know the tale, but Josh is the only IV technician assigned to this woman's bed.

Got an Awkward Adventure to share? Send them to: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 15: Computer Pranks

I'm surprised I lasted so long working in the computer field with idiots like this.

During a college course, we were being shown how to plug all the components of a PC together properly. Getting a little bored, I glanced over at the student next to me fumbling with all his cords and bending all the way over the desk to see the rear of the PC (apparently it was too difficult for him to turn it around). While he was doing so, I turned the brightness knob on his monitor all the way over so that when he finally got the cables plugged in the correct order, nothing was on his screen. I leaned over to "help." I said, "Let me see if this works," and slapped the side of the monitor while inconspicuously turning the brightness knob back up with my other hand. The next time he turned around, I turned the brightness knob back down again and left the room. When I came back, the poor guy was beating that monitor senseless.

Don't forget to tune in to Shenanigans with Joey and Sam on WIXQ 91.7 the Ville on Wednesday. We have an Awkwardland segment around noon-thirty each week where I pick a great story and force the listeners to hear it. Those who listened in, namely Phil, Gerard, Charlie-O and Stephen, thank you! Makes us feel popular.

Don't forget to submit your own Awkward Adventures to MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com!

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 14: Delete Your Search History Often

I was watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother yesterday and it reminded me of a story two of my friends share. In this episode of HIMYM, Marshall admits to his wife Lily that in order to fantasize about another woman he has to first fantasize Lily's death so that he doesn't cheat on her even in his dreams. Meanwhile, Barney has deluded himself into thinking that Robin is cool with him going to strip clubs and checking out other women. This week's Awkwardland hovers in the middle of these two extremes.

Keeping with this HIMYM theme, today's story centers around "April" and "Ted." April and Ted had been dating for a while and things were going smoothly. Six months into their relationship, on this particular Friday evening, Ted decides to hang out with his friends for "guy's night" while April is recovering from an illness and spends the evening at home. They had planned to meet up later to spend some time together. Too bad plans don't always go smoothly.

Ted wound up getting very drunk that evening. Around ten o'clock he was feeling fine, but by 11 he was passed out on his bed. April had gotten a few texts asking her to come visit, maybe watch a movie, and eventually a phone call summoning her to his home. Ted doesn't remember most of the night, but April filled him in the next morning.

April arrived at Ted's house around 10:50 PM, ten minutes before Ted passed out for the night. She ran to his bedroom to make sure he wasn't throwing up, or worse. She tucked him in bed, pushed the covers around him so he couldn't roll off the bed, and rubbed his back until he fell asleep. Since it was still early, relatively speaking, April decided to borrow Ted's computer to play a game or check her Facebook, the usual time wasting activities. The computer was already turned on, and the internet browser was already open. In fact, a page was already loaded.

"BIG BLACK BOOTY SHAKIN ASS DANCING BUTTS BIG TITS CLICK NOW TO PLAY"

Apparently Ted had drunkenly researched a few things before calling April. Not sure whether or not to be pissed or to laugh at the results, April decided to leave the page open but turn off the monitor and read a book instead. She'd deal with it in the morning.

As it turns out, that morning Ted paid no attention to the page on the computer and closed it without reading it. In fact, he had no idea the event even occurred until a few weeks later at the How I Met Your Mother marathon when April told the story to everyone gathered. Lucky for Ted, April had a sense of humor about the whole ordeal. He was pretty embarrassed, but I'm sure if April had looked hard enough she would have found even worse videos in his porn collection.

Got an Awkward Adventure to share? Send them to: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com
New posts appear somewhere between Monday and Tuesday, so check back for your submissions!

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 13: Firecrackers

This story was submitted by my friend "Leah" via e-mail. Children under 13, go ask your parents if you're old enough to read this blog.

Leah was new in town, first year at a new college. She knew one other person, her roommate, who had been attending the university for a year already. Before the semester started, there were tons of "getting to know you" parties hosted by the various fraternities, sororities, and clubs on campus. Leah decided to tag along and hopefully meet some new classmates.

And so, Leah dressed her best that Friday night, not sure what to expect. She and her roommate, Ashley, walked to a large house a few minutes off campus to meet up with some of Ashley's friends. The house was CRAZY. Men and women running everywhere in various states of intoxication, men were screaming "Shirtless o'clock" and removing their shirts left and right. It was in this environment where Leah caught the eye of a blond viking-like gentleman reclining against a pole in the basement. The two chatted for a while before Ashley reclaimed Leah and introduced her to another man who lived in the house, known as the pirate. Leah and the pirate seemed to have everything in common, they even made plans to hang out the following week. With a few hours left to the party, the pirate needed to circulate around his guests. Leah returned to the viking, but the pirate popped by once in a while for a hug or a smile.

Leah described the next few days as inconsequential. She hardly paid attention the first week of classes, getting ready for Friday night's party. Eventually the day came, and Leah practically ran to the big white house on the corner. To her surprise, the pirate remembered her and greeted her with a kiss. A kiss! Things were going well, but he was busy. She mingled, minded her own business, kissed him in the corners and the shadows, and waited until he was ready to retire for the evening. They went upstairs... and I'll let you imagine what happened there.

Meanwhile, as Leah and her pirate were retreating, she quickly discovered the upstairs bedroom was not as private as they should have wished. Up the stairs was a loft apartment, no door, no wall, just a bed in the corner and a private bathroom. But surely no one would come up there... right?

Leah was correct in her assumption that no one would wander in on the couple in the dark. She was wrong in trusting the pirate's roommates to let him get away unnoticed. The pair was mischievous, and not only turned on some of the most random music from the party radio in the basement, but planned something even more embarrassing. Leah and the pirate were in the middle of their third position when all of a sudden there was an explosion of light and sulfur from the stairwell! The roommates had set off a firework and lobbed it like a grenade.

At least their tryst was memorable!

Leah shortly thereafter found out she had a few nicknames around campus. The "Sexy Librarian" and the "Fireworks girl" luckily weren't synonymous, and most people didn't connect them with her.

Personally, I think there's plenty of worse nicknames than the "Sexy Librarian." Leah is lucky the roommates didn't have any C4 instead of some bottle rockets. Those shenanigans can get dangerous.

Got an Awkward Adventure to share? Send them to: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com
New posts appear somewhere between Monday and Tuesday, so check back for your submissions!

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 12: Nudity Never Hurts... or does it?

This story was emailed to me by an anonymous reader. Enjoy!

During her freshman year of college, "Kate" was pursued by a boy she didn’t know. After ignoring his suit for several weeks, she was eventually coerced into going on a date with him. She was encouraged by her (male) best friend, who at the time thought this boy was cool, to accept consecutive offers from him. One night Kate allowed him to kiss her and afterwards promptly decided it wasn't meant to be.

A few weeks later Kate and her (male) best friend ended up hooking up at a party. They figured out they'd had subconscious crushes on one another for a while, and decided to date each other. Now, all this would have been fine if it hadn’t been for Kate's roommate. She’d developed a little crush on the first boy, and kept inviting him over to watch movies with “them." Kate and her now-boyfriend were hanging out on her (bunk) bed; he wasn’t naked but she wasn’t wearing a shirt (in her defense, there was no air conditioning). They were, of course, alone in the room. Kate's roommate walks in, they chat briefly (nudity is considered acceptable in their relationship), and she doesn’t notice Kate's boyfriend or, apparently, the fact that she was naked to the waist.

Suddenly, they hear a knock on the door. Being the owner of the lower bunk, Kate's roommate got off her bed and opened the door. It was the first boy and his best friend! They’d come over to visit them…and now this boy, whom Kate never meant to hurt, (and his best friend) had seen her topless in bed with her new boyfriend!!

Well, the next night Kate and her boyfriend went to another party, and lo and behold, who’s making out in front of them? That boy and Kate's roommate.

Rejections are always awkward, but in the end, it seems that things worked out for the best. The injured party in this story was able to move on, however I can imagine many more awkward moments awaiting these couples in the coming semesters.

Got an Awkward Adventure to share? Send them to: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com
New posts appear somewhere between Monday and Tuesday, so check back for your submissions!

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 11: Fat Kyle

At some point or another in your lifetime, you will experience a houseguest like Fat Kyle. In my head, Fat Kyle is the equivalent of an anti-social Cartman.

Fat Kyle hails from the mysterious land of Wisconsin, home to cheese heads, the Green Bay Packers, and not much else. Since he lacks anything better to do, Kyle is a video gamer.

Scott first met Kyle when they were in 8th grade playing Diablo II. I've never played the Diablo series, but UrbanDictionary defines it as "An online game which is so addictive it takes a lot away from the player by ruining their lives and if they ever try to leave it they find that the company deleted their account which causes them to start all over again like a never ending cycle of being trapped in it: also see Final Fantasy XI."

Years later, after they had all graduated from High School and tried life in the real world, Scott decided to give up both Diablo II and his FFXI game to Fat Kyle. Kyle was 22 years old, Scott was 21. Seems like a simple exchange of passwords to me, but what do I know about these things. Apparently, in order to trade accounts, you need to have the whole thing notarized by an official notary due to some EULA (End-User License Agreement) law and whatnot. All that fine print that we click "yes, I read this, continue" after reading "Important, read all." The things we never really think about. I tried reading about this EULA thing to give you more of a scope of how serious it actually is, but my eyes glazed over. Suffice it to say, they needed a notary to make it officially legal.

Anyway, Fat Kyle decides to come visit Scott and his girlfriend. He told them to "have some activities planned" and expected to spend a full week with them at their apartment. The two of them aren't used to company interested in actually doing stuff, so they plan to tour the major attractions of the mid-PA area. I assume Hershey Park, mini golf, and a zoo were involved, considering they're about all our area has to offer at the moment.

Fat Kyle wasn't an ungraceous guest. He brought Scott and his girlfriend each a cheese hat from the wildes of Wisconsin. What he was, however, was an unmotivated gaming nerd. For each activity Scott suggested, Fat Kyle said "no." He was hard to remove from their couch and wanted to sit there all day and play video games with Scott. In fact, he seemed very standoffish towards Scott's girlfriend and resented her interruptions throughout the day.

Since Scott and his girlfriend couldn't get Fat Kyle out of the house, they decided to bring some amusement to him. They planned a party that weekend, and a few of their close friends were invited. It seemed like a great idea to introduce Kyle to some of Scott's friends that they had almost certainly talked about during their years of gaming together. Since Kyle didn't seem particularly interested in anything, they decided not to mention it until the last possible moment. When people started arriving, Kyle seemed out of his element. Within an hour, he was outside on the porch crying.

"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" doesn't apply when you're three quarters of the way across the country at another person's house at a party filled with their friends.

Fat Kyle ended up leaving Scott's apartment early, cutting his visit in half. He spent an extra hundred dollars or so changing his flight plans. To this day, we're pretty sure the only reason he came down was to transfer the Final Fantasy XI account.

Update: After Fat Kyle left, he constantly spam texted Scott's girlfriend, calling her nasty names and relentlessly berating her for no reason. She eventually got his number blocked by her service provider. Very mature for a 22 year old man, wouldn't you say? Now, if you ask me, a man who travels across the country to visit another man, play video games side by side, and trash-talk the girlfriend in this situation sounds very suspicious. I'd hazard a guess and say... "FAT KYLE LOVES SCOTT." But that wouldn't be very mature of me. I'll let you say it instead.

Got an Awkward Adventure to share? Send them to: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com
New posts appear somewhere between Monday and Tuesday, so check back for your submissions!

Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")

[Note from Sham: I came across this story many years ago while reading the Salmon of Doubt. This is a prime example of the foundation that Awkwardland was built on, where you cringe halfway through a sentence because of the building tension. In a few years, hopefully all our stories will flow like this one.]

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

[Excerpted from "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time" by Douglas Adams]

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 10: AWESOMELAND

So I just got a job interview with a great company and am in the mood for something funny. This is the most awesome story I have ever been told.

When I worked at the bookstore, there was a girl working in the cafe named Emily. She's short, small, and a fiery ball of German/Irish attitude. She told me this story when I had just started working there and I have never heard anything half so awesome in my life.

Emily had plans one weekend to go hiking with a boy named Mike. She and Mike were best friends and made plans like this pretty often, no questions asked. The area down by Tucquan Glenn is infamous for being secluded from civilization with spotty cell phone reception. Emily was going to be dropped off by her father, and the two were to meet at the park entrance around midday, enjoy a few hours of hiking around, and drive back to the city together. But even the best laid plans always go awry.

Emily waited for hours before giving up on Mike. She refused to waste the opportunity and started her hike alone. Before long, darkness fell, and rainclouds moved in. Emily needed to find shelter or she would be stuck in the thunderstorm with no protection. Luckily, not far off the trail, there was a cave overlooking a small pond. She settled in for the night and prepared for the worst.

Within 10 minutes, Emily went primal.

She stripped naked, ran screaming into the rain, cannonballed into the pond, painted war paint on her face and body, and built a fire using sticks and dried leaves from the inside of the cave. Emily had also brought a backpack of supplies, including her art gear and a sketchbook. She even brought out her charcoal and pastels to draw cave paintings.

The next morning, Emily made her way back down the mountain. She passed a few other hikers on the trail but they seemed to give her a wide birth, probably on account of the twigs still stuck in her hair from her cave woman experience. She still needed to find a telephone to call her dad and find a ride home.

Emily walked about two miles up the road until she came to a house with a telephone cable running towards it. It was a pretty run down shack, one of those last resort houses like the one from Night of the Living Dead. She knocked on the front door and the woman who answered had disheveled hair and a hint of a black eye. She agreed to lend Emily her phone, and when she turned away from the door Emily noticed the man sitting on the couch. Stark naked. Cleaning his gun.

20 minutes later, Emily ran as fast as she could toward her dad's car and high tailed it out of her nightmare. The news gets even better: Mike forgot completely about their plans to go hiking because he was HOOKING UP WITH HER ROOMMATE. What a jerk.

She got him back, though.

A few months later, Emily was invited out to a bar in the city for drinks with some old friends. Mike and her roommate were busy and she didn't have a car so she stole Mike's keys and borrowed his Vespa. Three hours and 8 kamikaze shots later, she was on her way back home. Emily was wearing her old German war helmet with the single spike on top while screaming in German and driving a stolen Vespa through the back alleys of Lancaster.

She actually has no memory of reaching home, but the next morning Mike was pretty confused when he walked outside to find his Vespa chained to a tree instead of in the garage, the spike from the helmet embedded in the tree (as though she headbutted it), and his keys hidden in a flower pot by the front door.

Like I said. Awesomeland.

Don't forget to send your awkward stories to: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com

New posts appear somewhere between Monday and Tuesday, so check back for your submissions!

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 9: Reader Submission!

This submission was sent to me by Claudia, an awkward relationship pre-Trudy.

Every once in a while, we choose to date someone who is horrible for our mental and physical health. For instance, when I'm in a relationship, I tend to gain weight because a) I don't watch what I eat closely enough while on a date and b) we usually dine out a lot. Part of the whole "wooing" process, apparently.

Claudia's ex-girlfriend singlehandedly proved that sometimes there is an alternate reason for the weight gain.

Remember how movies and television try to push the idea that sharing food is romantic? Spaghetti, wedding cake, chocolate covered strawberries, and so on. Sharing is a cute gesture that you care about the other person and want them to enjoy the same foodie experiences. For Claudia's ex, we'll call her Sarah, sharing was an unknown concept. In fact, she not only ate all of her own food, she ate most of Claudia's food as well.

The scenario plays like this: The two girls are sitting at a nice restaurant. Claudia orders a sandwich and fries and Sarah orders steak, mashed potatoes, soup, bread sticks, and a side salad. Seems like enough food to feed a short teenage girl, right? Wrong. Claudia is only three bites into her grilled cheese and tomato sammich before Miss Sarah the Snorlax reaches across the table and steals a fry. One fry, we'll let it slide. Then a second, still excusable. But when half of her fries go missing, Claudia starts to get concerned. Her reaction: "Hey, can I eat my food?" and Sarah responds "GIMMEE, NOM NOM NOM." Wash, rinse, repeat, every meal together for six months. You can imagine how quickly the popcorn disappeared during their trips to the cinema.

In Claudia's own words, "The first time I saw so'n'so naked, I thought she was okayish, and then 6 months down the road, I was like, 'Shit, she's fat. Wtf happened? Oh, right. She ate my fries. That's what happened.'" Sarah gained 40 pounds during this relationship while Claudia lost weight due to all her food being stolen from her plate.

Since girls like closure, Claudia told Sarah precisely why their relationship ended and why they suddenly had to buy all new wardrobes to fit their new body types. Apparently Sarah's new girlfriend took offence to this list and wrote some threatening messages to Claudia. Via MySpace. Instead of the big badass lesbian image she was trying to front, the new girl's messages seemed more like a chihuahua taking on a bulldozer. She's lucky Claudia didn't print them out, hand them to the Police to get a restraining order and a shock collar.

I guess Sarah hadn't starved the fight out of that one yet.

Don't forget to send your awkward stories to: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com

New posts appear somewhere between Monday and Tuesday, so check back for your submissions!

News Update!!!

Hey everyone!!

Have you ever read an adventure and thought "Gee, my life is just as awkward" but were too shy to post your experience in a comment? Well here's your chance!!

We now have an email address that you can submit your personal stories to! Each story will be read and those deemed awkward or downright uncomfortable enough will be posted! Feel free to change names of people or places to remain fully anonymous.

Submit your own stories here: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com

Adventures in Awkwardland is updated every Monday night/Tuesday morning, but the more stories I receive, the more often I will post!! I look forward to your suggestions!

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 7: John Broke the Bro Code

I'm sure John can be a great guy, but this week he broke the Bro code. And for that, I get to tell an incredibly embarrassing story and not change his first name. If you're reading this, John, you know what (or who) you did. Let this be a warning to you.

Now, John is a fairly attractive guy. Tall, brown hair, scruffy face. Good conversationalist. His greatest flaw is his pride, believing that he can get any woman just by asking her out. His confidence was his downfall when he met: The pretty blonde from Department C.

John had been talking to Claudia about this pretty little blonde girl for quite some time. He was working up the courage to ask her out, but always chickened out at the last second. While chatting with her in the breakroom before their shift started, the girl mentioned how awful the day would be since she had been running late and had not gotten her caffeine fix from McDonald's before coming in to work. What luck! John had some coupons, a buy one get one free deal, on coffee from Micky D's! Finally, after a quick pep talk from Claudia, he went for it, and the dialogue goes as follows:

John: Hey, do you want to go to McDonald's with me later? See I have these coupons for a buy one get one latte...
Blonde: Aw I can't after work, I'm sorry.
John: Why not?
Blonde: I don't want to be late.
John: Late for what?
Blonde: I'm doing laundry.
John: Ahhh.... *walks off*

Claudia couldn't stop laughing when she heard the news. John was pretty shocked that a woman would decline an invitation for free coffee, but when he's only paying for one, who can blame her? Don't pinch pennies when asking someone on a date. Pay full price or risk never having a second date.

This brush off is almost as epic as one my college roommate once used: "I can't go out with you tonight, I'm washing my hair."

After all... who's honestly worried about being late to do laundry? You, sir, have been rejected.

*Double Feature this week!! Don't miss another Trudy moment below!!*

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 6: The Return of Trudy

Claudia requested I tell this story since it is the most embarrassing thing Trudy has ever done to her (so far).

It's no secret that Claudia has a huge crush on me. In her defense, Claudia has the best taste in ladies: pretty redheads with witty humors. The "Ginny Weasley" types. She's my best friend, a gorgeous and smart woman, but the catch is that I am not interested in women. Since I've known Claudia longer than Trudy has, most of our mutual friends are in on the secret as well. It didn't take long for Trudy to realize Claudia had this crush, but it took a few weeks before she came up with a solution.

Unfortunately, she broadcast this solution to a room full of (mostly oblivious and drunk but present nonetheless) people. Including myself.

"Hey Claudia, since you like Sam so much, what if I wore a mask of her face during sex? You could call me her name too. Then it'd be just like having sex with Sam."

[Insert blushing here]

Claudia was absolutely mortified. I thought it was hot damn hilarious.
We will never let them live this down.

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 5: Taco Tuesday

This is a true story. I was reminded of it last night when visiting with the two roommates mentioned by (fake) name. It happened in late August, right as my last semester of college began.

There were six of us living in an apartment together. Five girls and one guy. The guy was illegally living in our apartment with his super jealous girlfriend. Of course this is a recipe for disaster. Two of the girls were new, they had just moved in over the summer and would begin living with us full-time when the semester started. The four of us who had lived there previously did not know them very well, so we decided to have some group activities to get to know one another better. We had meeting on Sunday night before school started to go over the ground rules. One of the girls, we'll call her Lindsay, was running late and entered the meeting halfway through. We were just chatting about chores, locking the door, having friends over, etc, however two of the original girls seemed particularly angry with Lindsay for leaving the door unlocked the previous night. Turns out it was unlocked when she left in the morning, but that's not particularly important. What is important, however, is that we were already being divided.

In the spirit of new roommate acceptance, we decided to have a family dinner. Unfortunately, Lindsay had a class the day and time chosen, and the other new girl Alice was just getting off work. Why we couldn't reschedule, I have no idea, but the other residents outnumbered us. Tuesday at 6 p.m. we would make tacos.

Monday came and went and before we knew it, it was Tuesday night. The girls and boy browned and seasoned the beef, toasted the shells, and gathered supplies, I shredded lettuce and cheese. Around 6:10, we were ready to sit down for dinner.

And right as we're about to dig in, the two unnamed girls began to take stabs at Lindsay, who wasn't even present. They would not stop complaining about how she refused to take part in our meal (she was at class) or flirted with the one's boyfriend (completely untrue). In a few minutes they had blown Lindsay's minor mistakes completely out of proportion to the point where one was in tears screaming at her boyfriend, the other is fuming and holding a fork like a spear, and the boyfriend is tired of arguing and storms out.

This left Alice and I staring at one another across the table wondering whether or not we should eat or wait. My stomach growled pretty loudly, I was absolutely starving. But it seemed rude to eat when the others were not present. The crying girl came back to the table and told us to start eating, but who can really eat when there's a domestic dispute going on? We sat there for twenty minutes before she finally called her boyfriend to apologize. Did she mean it? No. But it didn't matter. He came back and we ate our dinner. There was no conversation besides "could you please pass the cheese?"

I'm pretty sure one of us sent a text to Lindsay to warn her about the nuclear holocaust that occurred in the kitchen that night, she started to only come back to the apartment after the others had fallen asleep. I very rarely saw her during the day despite sharing the eastern half of the apartment and a bathroom with her.

The moral of this story: Taco nights are sacred around this area. Whether you go to the Pickle Bar for happy hour and 75 cent tacos or if you make your own, it's a great bonding experience. Words cannot describe the pain this event caused in our memories. What did Alice and I do to deserve being treated this way in our own home on such a cherished night? Taco Tuesday —the one evening we gather as a family, turn off the television, and enjoy beef tacos, together. But they brought shame on this house. Great shame. Instead of having a nice, pleasant evening, we had to spend hours comforting our roommates. Where the hell did they get off?

Taco Tuesday isn't an anything-goes–type atmosphere. Save that for Frisbee Friday.

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 4: Mandy's Monday Commute

Considering something awkward—and often, awesomely, incredibly, painfully awkward—happens to "Mandy" on a near-daily basis, it would be unfair not to share some of these moments with you. If nothing else, it will leave you with the relief and satisfaction that you are not as clumsy, nerdy, and as all-around socially awkward as she is.

Now that Mandy is using public transportation on a daily basis to commute to her internship, it has inevitably opened up new windows of awkwardness. Until this fateful day, nothing too exciting or painful had happened, with one exception: On her first day of interning, Mandy got on the train and made the rookie mistake of making direct eye contact with the bum screaming to the invisible person on the seat next to him. So of course, he decided to look right at Mandy while screaming repeatedly, “THE MOTHER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKERS! THE MOTHER FUCKERS TOOK IT! YOU SAW THEM!” The older lady next to her then looked at Mandy as if she was the one screaming nonsensical profanities in her ear, so Mandy shrank lower and lower in her seat and pretended to be invisible.

After Mandy made my switch from the Blue to the Green line, she was still a little shook up from that encounter, so she sat down next to a harmless looking young woman who was sitting with her kid on her lap. She took a deep breath, smiled at the person sitting across the aisle from me—another Hoosier faux-pas, apparently, as he responded by grimacing and averting eye contact—and opened up her bottle of “sparkling water beverage.” It exploded. Mandy quickly apologized and asked the woman next to her if she got any of it on her: “Not yet,” she responded, in a tone that suggested if and when it does, Mandy might die. Her cute little girl pointed and laughed at Mandy as the water continued to spill out of the bottle, and all over her pants.

Five minutes later, Miss Mandy enters her new office looking as though she might have peed her pants.

Yet, somehow, that incident was nothing compared to this particular morning’s commute. As Mandy was transferring from the blue to green line, she was riding up the escalator in the usual Monday morning daze, listening to her iPod, fairly oblivious to her surroundings. Right before she reached the top of the escalator, she noticed the enormous man ahead of her on the escalator balancing a trolley loaded with boxes. Just as Mandy started thinking that a trolley on an escalator looks a little dangerous, the enormous man with said trolley gets stuck at the top. Before she could react, Mandy slammed into him and was suddenly trapped on a moving escalator, tangled between a giant, the trolley wheel, and the side of the escalator. The guy behind her somehow jumps over the side of the escalator but doesn’t bother to try to help either of them. Meanwhile, all of the people on the train platform ahead are now staring at the trolly and the giant as Mandy yelped, her headphones fell out of my ears, and he attempted to lift Mandy over the trolley and off the escalator. In this process, her ribcage slams against the trolley, the giant and Mandy accidentally go to second base, and Mandy fell to her knees but finally escaped.

Once the giant trolley man got off the escalator—somehow, without mangling anyone else—he started to stroll past her as Mandy limped to the side, clutching her ribcage. “Oh, are you okay?” he asked casually, as though nothing dramatic and possibly life-threatening had just happened.

Her thoughts: "AM I OKAY?!?! It’s 9 AM, I almost met my death on an escalator, and you just touched my boob. NO, I'M NOT OKAY!"

Her response: "Yeah, sure, whatever, I'm fine."

It’s the kind of situation that makes a person want to start screaming, “THE MOTHER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKERS! YOU SAW THEM!”

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 3: Meeting the Mother

A year and a half ago, I met one of the coolest mothers around. I was dating her 20 year old son at the time and she seemed to approve of me. However, meeting the parents is always the most awkward experience for me when starting a new relationship. This was no exception.

I was 20 years old and had met "Mark" at a party. Having just gotten out of an extremely abusive relationship, I didn't want anything too serious, but I was flattered that he was so interested in talking to me. Nerves got the best of me and I got completely wasted. My friend offered him a ride home, dropping me off on the way. I carry three things with me at all times: my phone, my chapstick, and my keys. Whenever I'm drunk, I tend to lose these things one at a time, even though they're usually in my hands. So the entire car ride home, I'm in tears because I can't find my phone in my left hand, my keys in my right hand, and my chapstick in my pocket. The entire journey was 15 minutes, but it felt like forever. Eventually I just started apologizing to Mark for being so drunk, since I apologize for everything even when it's not my fault, and drunk me didn't think he knew I was sorry enough. Anyway, he seemed to think this was cute and we exchanged numbers (I think... somehow it ended up in my phone, gets a little fuzzy) and went on a few dates.

Mark lived out on Pittsburgh, a 4 hour drive from my little college town. He was home for a month between semesters, living with his mom and his brother. After staying over at my place one weekend, he invites me to spend the night at his place after another party, and again, I'm too drunk to really protest that it would be shocking for his mother. Or I just didn't think about it. I'm not sure.

Anyway, we go back to his mom's house, and I sleep the night off in his basement room. The next morning, we go upstairs to watch TV, but someone was already watching. It was his mom. I had hoped to sneak out while she was at work, but no, she doesn't work on Saturdays. My mistake. We introduce ourselves, explain that Mark and I have been dating for the past few weeks, and she offers me a cup of coffee. And some cinnamon rolls. Apparently she'd been waiting for us to wake up for a few hours.

Things got really awkward when I explained my job at the bookstore. We started chatting about books, music, TV, and things we enjoy. She tells me about her failed relationship with Mark's father, with her drug-addicted ex, and so on. Then she offers to lend me a book her girlfriends had bought her for her birthday. "It's about not giving up the cookies too early in a relationship, but I think it's already a too late for you."

Gee, thanks "Mom."

This woman didn't mind that I slept over at her house whenever Mark was in town. She even said to me once "At least someone got laid." She didn't even mind when I came to visit her between long-distance booty calls or interviewed her on what it was like to be widowed at such a young age. What she found awkward was planning what to make for breakfast each time.

Priorities, eh?

Turns out, awkwardness is all in the interpretation of the situation.

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 2: Trudy and the Strap On

"Trudy" is the most awkward person I know. She is a full-time lesbian, a part-time entertainer, and a freelance assclown. I could probably dedicate an entire blog to her stories, but instead, I'll write a few of her escapades and hope she never Googles herself.

A very good friend of mine (who's name will be changed to "Claudia") is currently dating Trudy. This is how our frightfully awkward friend wormed her way into my life.

During the early stages of their relationship, Trudy was just meeting some of Claudia's friends. One, in particular, was named Lauren. Lauren has a bad habit of dating trashy women. After going through a few detailed examples and pictures of her past flames, everyone agreed that Lauren did, in fact, make poor life choices.
Trudy kicked the awkward level up a notch.
"So, Claudia, why aren't you dating Lauren?"
-silence-
By impling that Claudia was a trashy woman in front of her friends, Trudy earned a night in the doghouse. But it gets worse.

I threw a socially awkward party at my apartment after Thanksgiving. Claudia and Trudy stopped by, each adopting a new habit to make them socially awkward. Claudia's was to slowly pet the hair of the person she was talking to. Trudy's was to rub her nipples and hump everyone in the room. "Socially Awkward" became "Awkward Rape." Even after we dropped the party theme and just dedicated ourselves to four loko and beer, Trudy shoved her hands down 3 peoples' pants and gave two surprised strangers aggressive lap dances.

Tonight's final story of Trudy is a shocker. Readers under 17, close your eyes. Parents, lock your children away.

Claudia invited her friend Angie over for an evening of movies and popcorn. Trudy was, of course, invited as well, and the three of them expected to have a relaxing evening. Wait for it, this gets good.

Trudy and Claudia had ordered a strap on from the local Den and were instructed to pick it up that evening. Since Angie was visiting, they invited her along. Angie didn't want to sit alone in Claudia's apartment while the others had a road trip, so of course she accompanied them. It was only a 15 minute journey, and the three of them had an easy time popping in and out of the store. Trudy couldn't wait to get home and try the new strap-on on. She disappeared for a few seconds in the back room and re-emerged wearing it under her jeans. The entire schlong was sticking straight out between the zipper of her jeans. Claudia's dying of laughter, Angie's shocked, and Trudy is getting even more excited. Since Angie's the least impressed, Trudy decides to make the awkwardness even worse.
She humps her.
With a strap on.

After this escapade, Trudy earned herself a platinum medal in the Awkwardland hall of fame. I challenge you to share a story that even comes close to this level of awkward entertainment.

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 1: Half a Sandwich

Everyone has a friend who is helplessly awkward. You know the one. Stands in the corner during parties and pets the cat, makes grunting noises while eating pizza, or tries to become the center of attention by hurling themselves into bookcases. If you can't identify this person in your friend circle, it's probably you.

But never fear.

There is someone out there who is more awkward than you are.

During my first adventure to Awkwardland, my guide was a young woman named Aimee. Aimee had a friend who we will call... "Half a Sandwich."

As the story goes, Half a Sandwich is extremely socially awkward. She has a history of creeping people out before even meeting them. Since even awkward people need to learn social skills, Half a Sandwich's roommate suggested she join a Chess Club that meets once a week on Saturday mornings. Half a Sandwich agreed, and even met a cute guy! After a few weeks of driving her home, this cute guy starts dropping hints that he'd like to see Half a Sandwich outside of Chess Club, but she's too shy to pick up on them. She explains the situation to Aimee who offers advice. Maybe try asking if he wants to stop for a cup of coffee, maybe lunch, grab a bite to eat, etc. Half a sandwich seems a little more confident about how to talk to the boy, and when Saturday rolls around, she puts on her best skirt and brushes her hair for the first time that week. Three hours later, she walks back into the house looking puzzled. Apparently on the way home the guy started hinting he was feeling hungry. Our awkward heroine replied: "Well... I have half a sandwich back at my place if you want it." *silence*

[For anyone who doesn't understand why cute boy was so creeped out by this, traditionally asking someone up to your apartment for "coffee" means "lets have sex." So for Half a Sandwich to say "come up to my apartment for half a sandwich," who knows what would have gone down.]

Cute boy predictably yet politely refused Half a Sandwich's half a sandwich. He still drove her home from Chess Club every Saturday, but he no longer dropped hints about hanging out.

About six weeks later, Half a Sandwich's roommate was walking down the street when Cute boy dropped Half a Sandwich off at their apartment. She watched his car drive to the end of the block, pull a U-turn, and park in front of a house four or five rows down. Half a Sandwich had no idea that Cute boy lived so close, and it was evident that he had no intention of letting her in on his secret.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I entreat you to learn from Half a Sandwich. Curb your awkwardness. Never invite a stranger into your house to share leftovers on the first date.