Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I'll take a Double Rainbow with a side of Oreo Mint Blizzard, please.

I absolutely adore this Dairy Queen. One of my oldest friends from elementary school works as a manager here, he always takes time to chat with me before "forgetting" to charge for my ice cream. That means I can afford an entire gallon of gas instead of wasting it on another .. mint... mint oreo blizzard *drool*...

Free ice cream aside, we've been trying to plan next month's sign. Last year, across the country, pictures immortalized "SCREAM UNTIL DADDY STOPS THE CAR." This year we have a fresh batch of internet memes to choose from.

Here are my top ten ideas. I think you will understand why I'm not in the Marketing field.:

1) Buy a Blizzard or the consequences will never be the same.

2) 2 Girls, One Blizzard.

3) You didn't stop in? Son, I am disappoint.

4) The number of combinations are OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5) Bear Grylls says "Ice cream beats drinking my own piss."

6) Ice Cream acquired. +10 EXP.

7) YOU REQUIRE MOAR ICE CREAMZ.

8) Our blizzards are made by 100% real robot unicorns.

9) You're still alive, which is pretty cool. Dying is for amateurs. Celebrate with an Ice Cream cake.

10) Blizzard of the Month: Tigerblood.

Feel free to contribute your own. I'm sure given more than 10 minutes to brainstorm you'll think of something more clever than these.


Monday, March 14, 2011

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 14: Delete Your Search History Often

I was watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother yesterday and it reminded me of a story two of my friends share. In this episode of HIMYM, Marshall admits to his wife Lily that in order to fantasize about another woman he has to first fantasize Lily's death so that he doesn't cheat on her even in his dreams. Meanwhile, Barney has deluded himself into thinking that Robin is cool with him going to strip clubs and checking out other women. This week's Awkwardland hovers in the middle of these two extremes.

Keeping with this HIMYM theme, today's story centers around "April" and "Ted." April and Ted had been dating for a while and things were going smoothly. Six months into their relationship, on this particular Friday evening, Ted decides to hang out with his friends for "guy's night" while April is recovering from an illness and spends the evening at home. They had planned to meet up later to spend some time together. Too bad plans don't always go smoothly.

Ted wound up getting very drunk that evening. Around ten o'clock he was feeling fine, but by 11 he was passed out on his bed. April had gotten a few texts asking her to come visit, maybe watch a movie, and eventually a phone call summoning her to his home. Ted doesn't remember most of the night, but April filled him in the next morning.

April arrived at Ted's house around 10:50 PM, ten minutes before Ted passed out for the night. She ran to his bedroom to make sure he wasn't throwing up, or worse. She tucked him in bed, pushed the covers around him so he couldn't roll off the bed, and rubbed his back until he fell asleep. Since it was still early, relatively speaking, April decided to borrow Ted's computer to play a game or check her Facebook, the usual time wasting activities. The computer was already turned on, and the internet browser was already open. In fact, a page was already loaded.

"BIG BLACK BOOTY SHAKIN ASS DANCING BUTTS BIG TITS CLICK NOW TO PLAY"

Apparently Ted had drunkenly researched a few things before calling April. Not sure whether or not to be pissed or to laugh at the results, April decided to leave the page open but turn off the monitor and read a book instead. She'd deal with it in the morning.

As it turns out, that morning Ted paid no attention to the page on the computer and closed it without reading it. In fact, he had no idea the event even occurred until a few weeks later at the How I Met Your Mother marathon when April told the story to everyone gathered. Lucky for Ted, April had a sense of humor about the whole ordeal. He was pretty embarrassed, but I'm sure if April had looked hard enough she would have found even worse videos in his porn collection.

Got an Awkward Adventure to share? Send them to: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com
New posts appear somewhere between Monday and Tuesday, so check back for your submissions!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Rachel Ray's Low Point



I was flipping through the Rachel Ray magazine at the doctor's office on Thursday. I rarely pay any attention to Rachel Ray, her accent, personality and made-up words are particularly irritating. This little blurb caught my eye in this month's issue. I mean, is this for real?! Microwave buttered popcorn for breakfast?! Surely this is a new low in epicureanism.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Adventures in Awkwardland, Episode 13: Firecrackers

This story was submitted by my friend "Leah" via e-mail. Children under 13, go ask your parents if you're old enough to read this blog.

Leah was new in town, first year at a new college. She knew one other person, her roommate, who had been attending the university for a year already. Before the semester started, there were tons of "getting to know you" parties hosted by the various fraternities, sororities, and clubs on campus. Leah decided to tag along and hopefully meet some new classmates.

And so, Leah dressed her best that Friday night, not sure what to expect. She and her roommate, Ashley, walked to a large house a few minutes off campus to meet up with some of Ashley's friends. The house was CRAZY. Men and women running everywhere in various states of intoxication, men were screaming "Shirtless o'clock" and removing their shirts left and right. It was in this environment where Leah caught the eye of a blond viking-like gentleman reclining against a pole in the basement. The two chatted for a while before Ashley reclaimed Leah and introduced her to another man who lived in the house, known as the pirate. Leah and the pirate seemed to have everything in common, they even made plans to hang out the following week. With a few hours left to the party, the pirate needed to circulate around his guests. Leah returned to the viking, but the pirate popped by once in a while for a hug or a smile.

Leah described the next few days as inconsequential. She hardly paid attention the first week of classes, getting ready for Friday night's party. Eventually the day came, and Leah practically ran to the big white house on the corner. To her surprise, the pirate remembered her and greeted her with a kiss. A kiss! Things were going well, but he was busy. She mingled, minded her own business, kissed him in the corners and the shadows, and waited until he was ready to retire for the evening. They went upstairs... and I'll let you imagine what happened there.

Meanwhile, as Leah and her pirate were retreating, she quickly discovered the upstairs bedroom was not as private as they should have wished. Up the stairs was a loft apartment, no door, no wall, just a bed in the corner and a private bathroom. But surely no one would come up there... right?

Leah was correct in her assumption that no one would wander in on the couple in the dark. She was wrong in trusting the pirate's roommates to let him get away unnoticed. The pair was mischievous, and not only turned on some of the most random music from the party radio in the basement, but planned something even more embarrassing. Leah and the pirate were in the middle of their third position when all of a sudden there was an explosion of light and sulfur from the stairwell! The roommates had set off a firework and lobbed it like a grenade.

At least their tryst was memorable!

Leah shortly thereafter found out she had a few nicknames around campus. The "Sexy Librarian" and the "Fireworks girl" luckily weren't synonymous, and most people didn't connect them with her.

Personally, I think there's plenty of worse nicknames than the "Sexy Librarian." Leah is lucky the roommates didn't have any C4 instead of some bottle rockets. Those shenanigans can get dangerous.

Got an Awkward Adventure to share? Send them to: MyAwkwardAdventure@gmail.com
New posts appear somewhere between Monday and Tuesday, so check back for your submissions!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Balance

[Note from Sham: Posted in response to a request for some non-awkward stories during the week. You can use the new "Categories" feature to skip straight to Awkwardland :) Enjoy!!]


The red spaceship raced forward through time and space, and the silver spaceship followed. Past the Nebulonic Cloud, past Ursa Minor, and across the universe they flew, the red always leading the silver. For many years they propelled themselves forward, for many years the silver craft pursued the red, sometimes right on its tail, sometimes as far as a galaxy away.


Today was no exception.

Captain Arod Collins of the S.S. Fearless did not live up to the name bestowed upon the argent spaceship. He was beginning to lose hope of ever capturing the crimson ship, the Déjà Vu, captained by the one man who destroyed Arod’s life and happiness.

Arod had begun his journey to capture the red vessel some 14 years before, a mission of revenge. The captain of the Déjà Vu, Wilson Hades, was responsible for a treasonous plot which resulted in the murder of the last king of the planet London V, an English settlement eight billion light years beyond the former planet known as Pluto. Arod lusted for revenge, a horrible revenge against the assassin of his father.

And so, Arod continued his hunt for the Déjà Vu and its nefarious captain. He hurled his ship through the blackness of space, far from any luminescent planetary bodies. He knew that the crimson ship was intentionally guiding its hunter to the final edge the universe. Arod understood the danger, and yet was not deterred from his path. He had risked much, and lost much. His friend Martin, his beloved Christine, his child Eric; all had been sacrificed by a purpose-driven vengeance. Each had wept before their deaths, but each had understood that Arod was driven by destiny. He mourned for them, and would continue to morn until he joined them in death.

At last, the crimson ship pulled out of light speed, and the Fearless followed. Arod sat forward at the control panel, his leather chair protesting with a rusty squawk. We must be close, he thought, or else Wilson is getting sloppy. Wilson could never be sloppy. A man with so much cunning and guile would never show weakness.

The Déjà Vu flew ever onward, towards a tiny prick of blue light in the far distance. The Fearless followed, but with more caution. Arod knew that he was only a fish that Wilson pulled on a string, but even a large fish could overturn a rowboat.

The blue grew larger, and larger, and larger. It grew to the size of a volleyball, a house, and finally a moon. A moon of steel, covered in sand, a machine. The Déjà Vu landed, and Wilson ran inside the only structured building on the face of the moon. And Arod followed.

As he entered, Arod looked around and saw a laboratory. A child’s chemistry set rested upon one of the lab tables. A box of LEGO bricks had been overturned in a corner; blue, red and yellow blocks spilled across the floor. Everything within the room was covered with a thin layer of dust. A door appeared on the opposite wall, marked with an arrow pointing up. Arod walked quickly across the room, and he heard Wilson’s voice from a loudspeaker attached to the ceiling.
“So, my friend, you have come at last. I assume you intend to stop me. That would be a grave mistake.”

Arod was startled, but could find no voice for a reply. He had not spoken since the last time he had stopped for supplies and fuel, six months ago. The man at that way station had warned him of this moon, and the dangers it could unleash, and what would happen if he went past the edge of the universe, but Arod had paid no attention. What did that gas station attendant know of honor, purpose, courage, and revenge? He shook his head and took another step towards the doors.

“Ah, I see you desire confrontation before you kill me. Very well. Join me at the top of this building, and we shall chat. Oh yes, we shall chat.” Wilson’s voice faded with the sound of evil cackling.

Arod turned the knob of the door and shoved with his shoulder to move the rusty hinges. A set of grey, stone stairs curled counter-clockwise for about twelve stories.

As he ascended, Arod noticed mirrors laid into the foundations of the walls. He looked into one, expecting to see his rough and unshaven visage, but immediately averted his gaze. The light was too bright for his eyes, accustomed to the darkness of empty space, to handle. “Impossible,” he thought. Yet he could not resist a second glance. Yes, it was true, his eyes had not deceived him. The mirror had somehow seen the birth of the universe and reflected it at passersby. The following mirrors, each six stairs apart, reflected images of the first star, the first supernova and black hole, the first moon, the first life form, the evolution of humans, the atom bomb, the creation of interstellar space travel, the colonization of London V, the birth of Arod, the murder of his father, and his journey to this moon.

Finally, Arod stepped through another door at the top of the stairs and onto a veranda. He ignored the last mirror beside the door; he sensed his hunt was near the end. Arod faced Wilson, the traitor and murderer, but Wilson’s back remained motionless toward him. He looked out at the edge of the universe, but he could not see through the dark abyss of nothingness.

“You have done well, Arod. I did not expect you to actually follow me this far.” Wilson spoke with a calm voice, unafraid of Arod’s boiling anger. “Now that you are here, what is it you wish?”

“I wish to avenge my father and end your reign of terror over the universe.” The words tumbled from Arod’s mouth huskily, but he did not understand why Wilson was not more anxious.

“There is nothing first you wish to ask me? Why I killed your father?”

Arod shook his head violently, he was not interested in postponing his destiny.

“Your impatience is your weakness. I shall tell you why I killed your father whether you want to hear it or not. Quite simply, I killed him to bring you here.” As Wilson spoke, Arod’s eyes flew open wide. “I needed you, Arod, though you had no wish to aid me. You do not fully understand who I am, and so I must tell you.

“My brothers and sisters created the universe. You saw their work in the mirrors along the stairwell. They did a good job, did they not? Everything was controlled by their power, but they forgot one thing. They had created light, but with the light came darkness. I was that darkness, Arod. For each good event they caused, I was obligated by the rules of the universe to cause evil. You could not understand how much this grieved me. I brought you here to learn the truth. You see, it is their fault that I killed your father. I see your skeptic eyes. No, my remaining siblings murdered your father, for I had set him upon the throne of London V and they seduced him to the light side. Your father began as an evil man, Arod. He caused death and devastation to most of your home planet.”

“I don’t believe you!” Arod shouted as he stepped backwards and leaned against a wall. “I can’t believe you. No. NO!”

“Yes, Arod, you know this to be true. You cannot avenge your father simply by killing me. I am the reason that you exist!” Wilson’s eyes grew hungry. “However, you are correct in thinking that you must still kill me. It is your destiny.”

Arod slid down the wall until he was crouched over his boots. His mind ran in circles, attempting to understand. “No, no, no, no, no. I don’t believe you. YOU LIE! You want me to believe that I owe my life to you. I will not serve you. You and you alone are responsible for my father’s death, but you have caused so much more devastating evil as well, and for that I will kill you now like the scoundrel you are.”

Arod withdrew a knife from beneath his jacket. His father had presented that knife to him the day he became a Captain in the British Starfleet. He slid the blade from its leather sheath, kissed the hilt, and prepared to plunge it through Wilson’s cold, black heart.

“Kill me. Kill me now. It is your destiny!” Wilson repeated his mantra until Arod lifted himself from the ground.

Arod looked at him with questions in his eyes. He almost dropped the hilt of the dagger and walked away, thinking of the utter waste of time his journey had been, but the face of his beloved Catherine, slain by a creature created by this evil monster, urged him on. He raised his hand high, and brought it down swiftly.

Wilson screamed once as light shot from his flesh around the knife puncture. He groped for Arod and gripped the front of his jacket. Wilson whispered into Arod’s ear.

“Now, Arod, you belong to me. My motives were even darker than you could ever imagine. You will understand.”

Wilson plucked the dagger from his breast and placed it within Arod’s trembling hand. He raised his arms high but was weakened by the gesture.

“Now, Arod, obey me.” Arod fell under the influence of Wilson’s magnificence. “All that I have is becoming yours. When I die, my powers will surge through you and you alone must balance good and evil in the Universe. Do you understand?”

Arod nodded. He had no willpower, for it had been sucked out of him by the black orb. His final act of villainy complete, Wilson collapsed and breathed his last. In a moment, Arod’s vision exploded with light and his body shook from immense pain. All of the secrets of the universe opened up to his disbelieving mind. He finally understood everything. But more than that, he understood why this was happening. A universe filled with good and devoid of evil would begin to take everything for granted. There was no happiness without sadness, no love without hate, no peace without war, and no light without dark. There must be balance. But the knowledge was too much. Arod was not the right person for the job. He needed to find the one who would bring the balance to the universe.

Shortly thereafter, Arod traveled to the planet known as the New Terra Empire in Wilson’s spaceship; Wilson had no need of it anymore. In truth, the Déjà Vu was a far superior craft than his own Fearless. Arod gained entry to the palace, bided his time as he grew close to the old Emperor, watching him turn from evil tyrant to benevolent ruler. If allowed to live, the Emperor's sons would only undo all of his good works. Arod plunged his knife through the heart of the old ruler, and fled. The Emperor’s sons were furious. They pursued Arod and the Déjà Vu. Two of the three sons would not survive the journey. Arod knew this. It was inconsequential. All that mattered was balance.

The red spaceship raced forward through time and space, and the silver spaceship followed.


Written by Samantha Shoemaker, age 17. Was awarded a Scholastic Gold Medal in 2007.